Mcons Mind

Mother's day is hard for me. Don't get me wrong I loved and miss my mother. But Mothers day for me is a combination of missing my mom and dealing with my deep rooted guilt for abandoning her. It's also hard watching people celebrate and acknowledge their mothers knowing that I never did truly acknowledge her or appreciate her and it could fairly be said I failed to do these things at a time when it was most needed. I also abandoned my sisters and brother to deal with my Mother and her sickness while I went about making my own way in the world barely glancing to look back. My mother some of you may or may not know suffered from MS for many many years before complications of living with the disease eventually killed her. She first noticed it when I was young. As a young lad I watched my mother go to work every morning until due to issues with her fingers her ability to type, take shorthand etc was eroded to the point where she couldn't work. So she quit and stay...

Even in the quietest moments I wish I knew what I had to do And even though the sun is shining Well I feel the rain, here it comes again, dear And even when you showed me My heart was out of tune “Even in the quietest moments” Supertramp I am, I supposed somewhat fixated on a few different ideas or concepts in my blog. The truth is as I look back on the blogs I have written they all seem to center on the same limited ideas or themes. Death, Family, Friendship, Religion. I never started off intending this to be the case but it is these things that often spark me to write as I often have strong responses to these things. Unfortunately, good reader, today is no different. Today for the first time in a long time I felt/feel at peace. Not just a moment of quiet, but a deep sense of calm and contentment where I stood quietly hearing everything, feeling everything, being attuned to the world in a way I have not been for as long as I can remember. I ...

I have been planning on writing this blog for months.  I have also been avoiding writing this blog for months. I have written about death before. I have written about my belief, or lack there of , in a God before, and most importantly,  I have written about my friends before. But this is the one blog entry I did not want to make because once made, a door would finally closed never to be opened. I don't like closed doors. They cut you off and shut you out. They hide secrets and keep things from you. My workplace has a long hallway and nothing is more depressing than walking down that hallway with all of the closed doors. It makes you small, and isolates you. Its reminds you of all the things that are going on that you are not part of. Each door is a place you are not welcome or wanted. When I was more important and had my own door I had a window cut into it. I wanted my office to be a place of warmth that was open even when it was closed. The hallway upstairs could bene...

I knew a young man who died a little while back. At a time of a death there is usually a head long rush to honor the individual who has died no matter who he was, or how he lived. I know some real jerks who have died  - or at least they were jerks to me.  But hey, even Al Capone had a mother right? This young man who died was no different than any young man, he was struggling to sort out his life, make sense of the world, and get on with the business of living. There was nothing glorious about his death or for that matter his life. He was torn from the world too young (29 or so) and much as my own life these days,  he was getting by, and trying to figure out how he could manage getting by better down the road. And in preparation for getting ready to attend a funeral, as I went about the business of thinking about his life and his time in the world, (as I always do when a death occurs near me),  something struck me. He was survived by both his parents. And th...

Me principled? Now I like to think I spent much of my youth as a relatively principled young man. I once, on principle, refused to dismiss a junior from a temporary position because of her weight when directed by a superior to do so, and it cost me two years worth of employment. Another time, I refused to allow myself to be placed into a position I felt was beneath me to allow a decision that was pure cronyism to be made more palatable, and was rewarded with more unemployment and banishment. So I like to believe I am a principled person. I like to believe I have always been a principled person. But.... In that regard I have in the past acted selfishly and often without care or concern for others. Did I believe so at the time? Not really. Being a young indestructible person who fended for himself I gave very little care or concern for the feelings of others except when, for whatever reasons, I was forced to face accountability for my actions. And being young, dismissing ...

Well another one is in the books. I am ...lets see ...53.   I never expected to live this long.  I say that seriously. When we are young our view of the work is very unrefined and we are often in a hurry to do things. I saw myself married at 24. Kids by 30. I had no plans after that, but I never envisioned my kids married or with kids of their own.I saw married with kids as the end of my life to an extent. I do not think that way now. I now see the world very differently and in fact see my own past very differently . While young I never expected to be this old. Now that I am old I can't believe I lived past my being young. Too many risks. Too many stupid decisions. Bad choices. Mind you my life is worth living now because along the way I made some good choices. My friends the Horsemen. My wife. The decision to have children. All risks as well, but the kind that have returns on your investment. Choices that I made without real thought but now celebrate reg...

Lately I have been to a lot more funerals that has to this point been the norm. I suspect as I get older this will just increase. I also have started to think about my own mortality as I am now starting to out live people that I did not suspect I would, so I imagine that the hammer could fall at any second almost. In attending a funeral I realized upon some reflection that the man being buried held some qualities that I admired and respected.  I never told him that and now of course I can't. If I believed in an afterlife I would be comforted with the knowledge that "Well he knows now where he is" but I don't. So I have to learn to live with the fact I waited too long. So this post is really me taking some time to reach out to some folks to let them know I respect and love them. It's not a wholly inclusive list. and it is by no means complete.   It will grow as I think and reflect about things and people more and more. For now it's just a start but I want t...