Death be not Proud




Even in the quietest moments
I wish I knew what I had to do
And even though the sun is shining
Well I feel the rain, here it comes again, dear
And even when you showed me
My heart was out of tune

“Even in the quietest moments”
Supertramp


I am, I supposed somewhat fixated on a few different ideas or concepts in my blog. The truth is as I look back on the blogs I have written they all seem to center on the same limited ideas or themes. Death, Family, Friendship, Religion. I never started off intending this to be the case but it is these things that often spark me to write as I often have strong responses to these things.

Unfortunately, good reader, today is no different.

Today for the first time in a long time I felt/feel at peace. Not just a moment of quiet, but a deep sense of calm and contentment where I stood quietly hearing everything, feeling everything, being attuned to the world in a way I have not been for as long as I can remember.

I was standing at the grave of my friend Scott Davidson at 0645 am this morning. (I couldn’t sleep so I got up and went for a drive and soon found myself at his grave.) It was/is a beautiful sunny day, I noticed the sounds of the birds, the far-off crows cawing, I felt the cool touch of a calm summer breeze, saw the flowers waving in that breeze, and I could smell the dew on the morning grass in the brisk morning air. I read the words on his gravestone and I was suddenly at peace. It washed over me like a wave, I feel as if I have had an out of body experience. It is like I faded back into myself and could suddenly see things – everything - from a distance. I was connected to everything but detached at the same time. And in this place lamenting/acknowledging death I saw nothing but life, joy and contentment. Everything is and will be OK.  I looked at his gravestone again and couldn’t help but smile because I feel as if my dead friend had given me a gift. 


I have often marveled at how the dead are only remembered for the good they have done. We quickly forget the rest. My friend Scott was no angel. But the sins he may have been guilty were the sins of youth unbridled by the cynicism of the responsibilities we all learn to absorb and own later in life. His exuberance for living may have left him exposed as an adult but it was that love of life and living that made him my friend. It was his commitment to his family and friends that demonstrated for me he would someday grow to be a wonderful husband and father, the same commitment to family and friends that in the end likely killed him. Death too must have its balance.

Today in a moment of quiet, that I never expected, I was shown life, love,  - the entire world, and even my own existence from a perspective that was restful and soothing. Order and balance was created out of a Chaos and I felt at peace. Even as I write this now and try and give shape to what I felt I can feel it fading but it’s okay. 

The memory of what it was and how it felt will carry me for a time. 
What a great gift.

Thank you, Scott.

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