Feeling Lost

One of my earliest memories of childhood is of being lost. Not lost, "I'm going to die!", lost  but more of a "I'm scared and want my mommy!" lost.  

The truth is,  I was not even really old enough to appreciate what being lost really meant, or at least I don't think I can remember thinking that at the time..... Sigh..... I simply can't remember. 

In my defence, it was, after all,  a long time ago. About 56 years give or take if my memory is correct,  which it likely isn't but the writing is started and I'm kind of committed to it at this point. (I'm new at this bare with me)....   The memory sort of goes like this.... My sister was going somewhere with my Aunt. I wanted to go with them to wherever it was where they were going but I wasn't invited along as it was a "girl time" or some such thing. I followed them both anyway of course,  while trying to not be seen following them and got lost in the crowd at the event they attended. (Believed by me to be the St. John's Regatta) I was eventually found by the police and returned to my parents several hours later, happy and none the worse for the wear - after being filled with treats and snacks by the kind members of the Newfoundland Constabulary.(The only thing that saved my bum from a tanning was the fact they were so relieved to see me)

In another version of the story told by my sisters at family gatherings,  I ran away by climbing after climbing over a fence to our back yard where I was apparently tethered to a clothesline but somehow managed to free myself and climbed over the fence to make my escape before getting lost and then eventually found and returned. (again by the police after being filled full of snacks and treats.... thus my mother's profound fear that I might repeat the offense ie. "get lost" on purpose. ) I cannot dispute the veracity of these events, though I do suspect some dramatic license has gone into the telling and retelling over the years. But to my mind, the strangest part of this memory is that it's my earliest. 

Mr. Bean

I find it odd and strangely amusing that my first memory if that of being lost. I have, over the course of my life felt lost many many times. Not lost geographically but most certainly socially, always socially.  Amongst my friends, peers, associates,  and co-workers.  I have always felt odd or not quite fitting. Sorta of how Mr. Bean is dressed.. not wrong, but something is a little off....

I have tried on all of the social roles/norms.... Young Officer, Teammate, Coach, Young Educator, Middle Manager, Senior Manager, Older mentor, Father, Husband, co-worker, friend,... etc.  

I'm not horrible at these roles, some from time to time I filled relatively well with noted successes, others..... let's just say not so well.  And some of my roles are still a work in progress... 

But the point is that no matter what role I fill, or try to fill, I have been, and still am for all intents and purposes feeling lost. I don't feel as if I fit in many of these places and roles and to a great extent I am not sure why.....though I have my suspicions. I'm not depressed or anything like that I am just much more aware of things now as I age and I think I am ready to examine things and consider perspectives that were never available to me while I was younger.

I recently retired and as I like to say to friends I have nothing but time on my hands. So now is as good a time as any to look at myself, my life, and my experiences and try to give some context to myself  and others as to who I really am and why I feel lost. I also hope to get introduced to myself a little better along the way. 

 For the next (insert arbitrarily chosen length of time that would satisfy self that a valid attempt has been made) I am going to try figure out why. I hope to write more about my thoughts and feelings in this regard. I hope to spend more time looking inside and less looking out.  Might be something worth following in a "look what's dat on the side of the road?" kind of way....  Remember,

Be kind, 

Martin