Friends

Horsemen

I have a group of friends that I have known since I was 19/20 years old. These were friends I met during the summer. Over the years we spent many many summers working together at a training facility for young people. The work, while very rewarding and personally gratifying, was hard. It usually was a 0600hr rise and concluded at 2000hrs in the evening.  14 hours a day and they were very often very active days.  Housing/clothing and food was provided. Work consisted of 6/7 days a week and the work term was 6-8 weeks depending. This work we did for many years together. As a result of the hard work and significant challenges we faced daily, the most valuable commodity available was time. If someone gave you time, or helped you save time, they were giving you something that was gold. Time was the one thing you never had enough of ever!  The result of this reality is that the friendships formed out of mutual support became significant not only because of what they provided, but also because the friendships could be counted upon year after year. (Saving even more time!) The sharing of common experience also tended to separate such friends from others because they knew and understood what you had and were living and experiencing. Things didn't have to be explained. Working in stressful situations they saw the best and worst of you. And again no explanations were required. They knew, and they understood your angst and frustrations and embarrassments etc., and if they still were your friend you could reasonably believe they would go to hell with you if need be. If you haven't had that kind of friend you won't understand this blog but if you do then you will totally get it.



My group of friends jokingly named ourselves "The Horsemen". It was a play on words initially, because when we first moved in together folks thought we were so different we would kill each other! I was a huge wrestling fan and at the time there was a wrestling show on TV with a group of bad guy wrestlers running roughshod over others in the company. The bad guys called themselves the horsemen. They had a slogan, a sign, and a huge audience, so I took the name and applied it to all of our group when we moved into an apartment together.  For most of us it was our first time living on our own not in school.  We became "The Horsemen" complete with slogan, ("You can learn to hate us, or learn to love us, but you better learn to live with us, 'cause we're the only show in town!") a new sign freshly invented by us, (chopping motion with right hand just above your right knee) and our own jewelery which I had made specifically for us. Our Home, and our apartment very much became a home, soon became famous(infamous?) for our late night revels and parties of epic youthful exuberance. It was a haven for any and all of our friends to drop by and visit. (And they did frequently  - and in large numbers!) The tensions that everyone worried about never materialized. We were so close we were like family in that we were completely open and frank with each other. If someone annoyed you, your spoke your piece and moved on.   No grudges were built, mutual respect and acceptance was practiced. And it was effortless. We loved each other. Other close friends who visited often and were close to us became "Horsemen". But we all enjoyed the group and the company of each other despite our different interests and personalities. Now, years later, we still see each other frequently and when we do mutual acceptance and love is just the way it is.  Despite our particular individual weirdness we love and respect each other without question. I have friends that I feel would follow me to hell.

I have a friend that is.... in hell.

His body is breaking down and betraying him and has been daily for almost 20 years now. He suffers from Multiple Scleroses. He has slowly lost the use of his legs, arms, and voice. He was forced at age 30-someting to move into a palliative care facility (for lack of a better term) where he was surrounded by people that literally scared him due to their own physical and mental disabilities. He has lived for years now in an institution with many people many years older than him. He is at the time of this writing a quadriplegic. He is aprox 45. Funny enough, he did everything he was supposed to do and he did it right. He exercised, ate well, kept good company and was by all accounts a stand up guy.  He was a member of the Canadian Forces and later went to University to study Physical Education. (His last completed assignment at University before his illness made attendance virtually impossible, was to build and construct a mobile puppet show-house and stage for kids!) He was a model kinna guy in terms of behavior and taking care of himself and others! But  my friend is trapped within the collapsing frame of his own body. And through all of this, there is no impact on his ability to reason or think. His daily frustrations I cannot fathom. He cannot speak coherently enough to explain howor what he is thinking or feeling. He needs assistance to eat and drink. But he still smiles and laughs and appreciates a good joke or story.

Just imagine for a second you wake up. You can't move so you lie and wait, looking all around you. You can make some rudimentary movement but it is exhausting, so sitting up would take all of the good out of you so you wait. You wait, wait for someone to come and help you up out of bed and get you dressed. They put a shirt you hate on you and when you try and explain you don't want it they assume you are talking about something else.  It doesn't get changed. Your stuck in it. You want to watch TV but they cart you off to breakfast. Your not in the mood for breakfast. You see and notice everything going on around you but are powerless to move, speak or communicate with the people who are trying to help you. You cant share or make them aware when they hurt you when their in your way. You are moved about and shifted like a chess peice. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. 

Now imagine it for every day for the rest of your life.
 

My friend is broke physically. He will not get better only worse. This he knows but fights to not accept because he can't give up it's not in his nature to give up. My friend is broke fiscally. What little he does have goes into paying his bills. My friend has taken what little he has to leave for the horse men's kids despite the fact he has been told repeatedly we don't need his few sheckles. Despite everything he is suffering through he is still trying provide some money for the children of people who earn ten to twenty times what he does.

His family are not living in the same province and are not in a position where they can help him. But he IS a Horsemen. And Two of his Horsemen friends in particular, have been taking care of him off and on for the past 12 years. The two Horsemen that take care of him will get nothing for it.  There is no fortune to be left when he passes. There is nothing the care and treatment will get them other than a sense of they are doing what they should be doing because that what friends do.  Just like what was done where we all worked as kids they are giving him their time. 

 " If there be any truer measure of a man than by what he does, it must be by what he gives."
Robert South


I would love to be able to say I was one of those friends but I was not. While I do make it to our regular gatherings of every 3-5 weeks, (which we do at my sick friend's facility to see and cheer him up), I am not one of the two Horsemen who have given of themselves week in and week out to check on my friends needs.  Mike and Derek (their real names) have for years been looking after my friend now. They do his shopping, attend his facilities meetings, ( on his behalf), and when the doctors call because something is wrong (increasingly the case) they answer the phone and they answer the call. They buy his socks and tooth paste. They pick up his weekly lottery tickets. They explain his frustrations to the staff, and listen to his complaints  about the staff. They entertain his conspiracy theories and and they carefully and lovingly explain to him he is wrong and when that fails the tell him straight up he is wrong. (Like they would have 20 years ago in our apartment.) And if his theory is right, they will fight for him because it needs to be done.  They accept it all, and try, as best they can, to understand his frustrations, and even when he is trying to speak, and they can't understand a single fucking word he is saying,  they look at him, and smile because despite his frustration it is what he needs and they simply give it. And he understands they are trying to help and accepts it.


 As much as my heart breaks for for my friend, it swells with pride every time we get together because I can't help but feel if it was me in the bed unable to move my friends would be there for me. It would be the same. I am honored to know and associate with people of such character. Thank you Derek and Mike. I know that this is hard on you both and I know it is not going to get any easier. I know that this is frustrating and scarey as hell when you see it and live it daily up-close. I know you have other things going on in your lives. Thank you for after all this time you are still giving your time. Thank you for JC and thank you for being an inspiration to me.

Thank you for being my friends.

 Early this morning (2nd May 2017) my friend passed away. He will be sorely missed.