Please leave me alone. (Reflecting out Loud)

This post is just a way of me blowing off some steam. I wrote it some time ago but never had the courage to post it at the time. I require no support or assistance I just needed to state the obvious out loud so that I can see and read it for myself and hopefully learn from it.  Clarity and Balance are often difficult to manage.

I am difficult person. I know this because despite peoples claims of my insensitivity I often see and get more than people think.  I have very specific ideas and visions as to how I want to live my life. I am not good at allowing others to dictate to me,  nor am I good at allowing others to have control of my life. I am opinionated. I can be loud. I take risks and I can be impulsive and reactionary in my behaviors. I can, and have, often acted in self destructive ways and could/likely will again tomorrow or the next day.  I am restless and looking for balance but that balance often eludes me.

That said, I am happily (at least I am happy) married to a beautiful woman who I have willingly turned over huge chunks of my life to.  She controls my money, my schedule and routines and she keeps me abreast of many of the things that have to be managed day to day. She in many ways brings order to my Chaos.  I love and trust her and have no compunctions about this lose of control that has evolved over time.  However, this willingness to allow another to manage certain aspects of my life is not a blank check.  As a result this often causes friction between me and my mate.  From her perspective I imagine that it is difficult, for example, for her to understand why I could care less what she does with my life's savings and pension, while at the same time be insistent on being able to pick out the time we eat our supper?  The reality is I like to do certain things MY way and I am physically uncomfortable when I feel I am being dictated to. I think I inherited it from my mother who controlled everything in her life except her health.  Change to my routines causes me physical and mental stress and anxiety, and the ones I love cannot align my need to be in control of my own situation with my apparent willingness to surrender that control in other situations.  And yes I know it sounds, and is, contradictory. This is particularly exacerbated when I rub up against people who live their life by the seat of their pants.  Interacting with people who don't keep schedules or respect my schedules is highly stressful to me. I simply would rather not. I have trouble dealing with the changes and flexibility required to hang with these people.  I just can't comfortably manage it. (Not to say I don't try, but so far with less than stellar results.) The unfortunate thing is social and family realities often don't provide options other than coping and trying to manage it.

Rationally I can offer no excuse or sensible reason as to why I feel this way. I believe it is how I am made up. My wife tolerates it at best most of the time, and while I may not appear to be,  I am actually greatly appreciative of her efforts in that regard. (christ knows I don't tell her that enough!)  One of the issues making these realities more difficult is that I don't generally want to share my feelings. So I am difficult and I don't want to talk about it! What a treat huh? Not to say that I can't discuss my feelings.... but usually (never?) on demand or request. To get to a place where I can say, "I feel X"  is challenging for me.  (Writing apparently doesn't count.  I suspect due to the lack of having present to deal with the response.... )

This again makes things hard for my tolerant wife. I will often react to things because of the way I feel, but I don't want to enter into a discussion as to why I feel that way. (Likely because I know deep down inside that my behavior is contradictory!)  This places tremendous pressure on my wife because she will often never gets any type of explanation (rational or otherwise) that she can understand that would allow her to predict my behavior.  I have often wondered if I am bi-polar or if this is a another function of my ADHD.

While I am somewhat of a social fellow I do like to be alone at times. I like to have quiet time with my self. I like to get lost in my own mind and distractions. I have no issue for example spending two-three days by myself seeing no other human being.  I understand this strikes some people as sad but it is something that not only does not bother me, but I enjoy.  Again, when people insist on surrounding themselves with crowds of other people it is often difficult for me.  I can usually manage it but need to take breaks from the "noise".  This usually means going away to a quiet place. This often appears to be anti-social. Again not the intent, but another way in which I can be difficult or seem as difficult to get along with.

My relationship with my own family is unique.  We rarely speak, and when we do it's usually at a distance. I can't speak to most of my family everyday as our lives are so separate now it makes no sense to do so.  With the exception of my brother, I do not generally feel close to my other siblings. I can't say why except that for most of my life I have never felt that I was understood. Don't get me wrong, my siblings are all good, kind, caring well-intentioned people who have never hurt me in any way shape or form and and are more than deserving of my love and affection.  I can't explain why this I feel this way or why this is the case,  I know our parents loved and cared for us all and raised us in a loving supportive environment. I know I can be cold (I have been told so), but conversely I am often far more sensitive that I care to admit, and given my tendency to impulsive reactions,  it makes close relationships difficult.  My brother just seems to get this and so I can feel close to him without having to explain or discuss it. (Which I don't want to do anyway.)  My sisters not so much.  So the distances between me and my siblings troubles me, but for the time being I can see no real way out of it and the fault may well be (Likely is) mine.

I om only writing all of this down now because  something happened today that has me angry as hell today.  (Now re-editing a month later I cannot for the life of me remember what it was....) but I couldn't find the words I need to clearly express that what I wanted and needed was some space and control of my situation. I am unsure if a professional might not say I have an unhealthy requirement.  My requirement for that space is not understood by others and I fear that in attempting to get that solitudes, I will take more space than I want or need, and that doing so further alienate those I care for most. Hell I don't understand it myself. I am frustrated as hell as I often am but can't explain or get others to understand without sounding strange and unhinged.

It is my hope that by trying to state it here I can think it through more clearly, and perhaps sort through it better???